Today, I would like to share some stories about my private life. I have been thinking about all these things for donkey years. Do I need to write in my blog or just keep it quiet. I was on my bed when I started to write, listening to ‘terrified’, by Katharine McPhee ft Zachary Levi, trying to make my heart calm from a bundle of thoughts that make me slightly depressed. But I must say that, I did not that depressed. So, here we go .......
I watched one movie before, Eat Pray Love..... I am sure that many people have already watched it. The story was about love basically, the typical one. Although, the story was typical, I really like the setting and the plot of the movie. It did not influence me much, but at least make me realize about something. Let’s start the story one by one. The different version of mine.
In that story, Julie Robert had chosen Italy for Eat. Me? Of course I could not afford to go Italy at the moment. Huhuhu....... So, I chose one of the restaurants near my place, Gadjah Wong Resto. I did not mention for the purpose of showing off. I was planning to eat Italian food, with hope that the taste would be delicious as I could get in Italy. Maybe I was too exaggerated. I went there alone and this was the third time I spent my dinner time there, the different was, I was alone at this time. When I arrived there, I chose a table in front of Country Song’s performers. Hoping to listen to some songs and eat something special there. The first main course that I chose was Seafood Lasagna, the Italian food I guess. The waiter told me that I needed to wait for 35 minutes for that. Oh my God! It was too long for me. Basically, I was not that hungry but I was alone. What should I do while waiting for my plate! I did not even bring my bag in which I always place my books. So, I decided to choose other menu under seafood, recommended by the waiter; Norwegian Salmon. For the drinks, I chose Cold Jasmine Tea. When the food served, I grabbed the knife and fork. Slightly shaking......... Maybe because I don’t get used to eat alone outside. I did not really like the food but tried to enjoy that with the music background that was dull. No matter what, I told myself that, Fitri, you need to remind yourself about the purpose of coming there. The taste did not reach my expectation. Maybe different people have different preference about the taste of the food or simply because I had eaten before I came. As some people said, hunger is a good sauce. Perhaps, I would go there again for another menu. Once in a blue moon.
(For the purpose of restaurant review: The price is Rp 105 000 + 10% tax Do give your feedback to me about the taste)
Pray is subjective for me. I do not need to find specific place to pray, asking something from my God. For me, I could simply pray everywhere as long as the place is appropriate for me. Not much to mention about this aspect because I believe that prayer that we recite for every single day is our secret between us and God. So, let it be.
This is the aspect that is very complicated for me. For some people, maybe it is something that is simple. But for me, to recite the word “I Love You” is really difficult because we need to use our heart for that as well. Not simply out tongue! Honestly, I rarely felt that. In my language, love has two meaning: Cinta or Sayang. Cinta means love and Sayang I could not really define it. One of my friends used to tell me something related to this magic word “love”. Commitment is other aspect that is important in relationship with your beloved one. If you are not ready, you won’t be ready forever. You need to be prepared for your commitment. This seems easy for some people to advice but not in term of performing it. I did not get into relationship because I do not feel like having it now. I hate commitment sometimes and I am not ready. The word ready is subjective to every single person. Or maybe just like my mum said that you have not found someone yet. I believe that love would come to anyone when the time is perfect. Just like other stories that we heard, someone got married with their own friend. But for how long we need to wait? Until the hell freezes over? I hope I made some people clear about this. I did not say that I am not going to search every nook and cranny to find someone with whom I could tie the knot, but simply it is not at the moment. I do not really bother about gossips related to me. But remember, we need to be responsible for what we have done. Other story about love is related to this phrase, ‘take it or leave’. “You can prefer to continue our relationship or we would not contact each other after this”. Why we need to be given this kind of choices? I felt like being caught between the devil and the deep blue sea. Friendship is always there for everyone who is willing to open their heart to other people.
I may seem like having relationship with someone but that is simply me. One of my high school teachers used to tell her students about a story of mine. She said that I would treat people the same. Perhaps she was right in certain ways. If you are willing to accept me the way I am and willing the share a part of your heart to me, I would probably do the same. For me, what we give is more important that what we get. I always tell myself about this, so that I could be sincere when doing something for my friends. People may expect to have closed friends, who always be there for you. I did feel the same way. Having closed friend to share whatever we want. But I did not think that I have that perfect friend for us. There is always something that we need to keep it secret. Not because I did not want to share, but sometimes I did not think that is proper to share. Yes, everyone has problem. When we feel like sharing our story, we tend to constrain ourselves from doing so because we are afraid that our friend do have other problems as well. I used to tell some of my closed friends, you are my best friend for me, but I do not expect you to address me as you best friend. Everyone, for sure has their own definition about that honoured term based on their experience and life before. So, I made myself more flexible in term of that. I always tell myself, do not expect much from other people because sometimes when our expectation is too high, we are easily hurt ourselves when we could not get it. Understanding is much more important. I am not that perfect in that, so forgive me when I did something wrong. The most important thing, I am grateful to have some closed friends. Thank God.
Sometimes, we want to be alone although we know how lonely we are. It is simply our reaction towards certain things. I did spend my time, doing some activities such as shopping, eating and spending my time at cafe alone. I wanted to dress up the way I wanted without being criticized by my companion, I wanted to read books at cafe and having someone to listen to me everything I wanted to say. Maybe, I wish too many things. Too many SIMPLE things. So, I prefer to spend my own precious time alone sometimes.
By the way, this is not the whole nine yards about myself, simply a part from my life. I did not want to condemn anyone here. This is the story that I wanted to write for a long time ago. After waiting for a month of Sundays, I could say that I felt better now. I always believe that we need to be careful of what we wish for, because you just might get it all, even something you do not want. Or simply you get nothing! Every cloud has its silver lining. Forgive me I did do something wrong because sometimes I do not know whether to wind a watch or bark at the moon.