Saturday, April 30, 2011

Life and Confession.

I feel quite tired and lazy today. Woke up just because I felt too tired to sleep again. I went back yesterday from one-week-outstation in Banyumas. I have some ideas in my mine about what to write but at last I decided to share about several things in this post.

For a week outstation in Banyumas, I thought, I gained a lot of things and learn a lot there. Not only in term of medicine but also in term of our life part. I always wake up early in the morning just to make sure that I can follow up all of my patients before 7 although I could rarely finish it before 7 a.m. I always come at around 5.30 to 6.00 a.m., but on Saturday morning I went to the hospital at 5 a.m. One of my patient passed away due to Hemorrhagic stroke. Luckily, I have educated the family before I went back to my room. Thanks to dr. Ayu because of the experinces you gave in Teaching Hospital before, so I don't have any difficulty to deliver bad news to the patient's family.

Regarding my social life in Banyumas, I think we did have lots of fun here. We went eat together almost for every meal and went to try lots of recommended food. We also went kareoke togeher. We enjoy singing.


Now let's move to more serious discussion. This is what I wanted to share before. Relationship seems to give some challenges to me. Why? I could really describe precisely about that. To be honest, I don't have any feeling towards anyone now. I hope it is clear to anyone who concern about that. I must accept the fact that I easily get closed with anyone who share something in common with me. I still remember my senior advices about relationship. "Don't get too closed to girl or women because they might think something else". My response to this kind of question is simple. What should I do? Do I need to leave friend who are close to me simply because I am afraid that they have feeling towards me? I did remind some about the status. I did mention that we are just friend to girl and not more that that. People react differently towards things around them. One of the example is present. Some have their own perception towards the occult meaning behind the present or gift. But for me it is simply present and sometimes I bought that because I do not have any idea of what to give. I can understand why people think that I am having relationship with someone but I believe if both have clearly stated the status towards other people, it wont cause any problem. We don't need to exaggerate words and sentences in our social websites.

I created THE BOUNDERIES. Don't ever say that I always 'hang' my relationship. I used to mention about this topic in my last post - EAT PRAY LOVE, but it seems to be so natural so that people do not really get the point behind that. The reason to create post as natural as possible is because I don't want to hurt anyone feeling. Now, I shall take my action. I clearly state that I don't have any special relationship with anybody as well as feeling. I might sound arrogant but I do not anyone to hope and wait until the hell freezes over. I want to be friend with a lot of people. I would pray that my friends would fine their lovers who are much better than me. I am simply an average Joe.

PS: having crush does mean love. Dreams and hopes would boost our motivation but we might lose something in our life. Sorry for everything.

Thursday, April 21, 2011


I feel quite exhausted today but feel good at the same time because I gained a lot of knowledges for today. It make me realize that when we think that we have enough potatoes in the bucket at the moment, we do not have enough good potatoes to share. Meaning that, when we read something and think that we have mastered that specific topic, we actually still have more things to read. I got lots of experiences today, dealing with a patient that can only speak javanese, as well as dealing with patient with bad prognosis. Felt quite down when I was asked by my lecturer but I could not answer all the questions and lack a lot of info in my anamnesis. I am sure he wanted me to be more specific and improve in the future. I will improve Sir :)Other activities just like normal activities such as tentiran and follow up my patient. I am planning to go gym to improve my stamina but my body seemed to request another thing. Ok friends, I need to got eat now and send my clothes to laundry service shop. I need some energy for my tutorial this evening at 6.30 pm...

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

The needs

Today, I felt tired but I am still feel happy and satified. I needed to wake up at 5 today, so that I could follow up my patient at around 6 10 a.m. Usually I come at 620 a.m but because my lecturer planned to arrange bedsite teaching at 7 a.m. I need to come at 6.10 a.m then. Why? Because one of my patient is talkative :) she likes to tell a lot of thing, so I need to come early so that I am not going to be late for my bedsite teaching.. Talking about my life today, I felt much better. I do not feel too stupid since I learn more and more. I got three discussion with my residents. What I love about this is I can share what I learned before with them. This system is called as 'tentiran', where the resident teaches and guides you about the thoery and skills of being a doctor. It depends on the department and now I am under neurology department. Honestly, I like this and really like to contribute something in the discussion because I believe that we might use different books and what others said might be different from what you learn. One advice to people out there, if you think that you are sure with what you read, don't hessitate to share and make sure that you state from which journals or books are you taken. Be confident but not over and try to see the character of your residents or lecturer whether we can simply do it or not. For me in learning process, no one is better than another because we might read a lot in certain area but not others. Even in the discussion with my lecturer, she can still except our opinion about certain things. Learning is just like a plastic bag. If you open more you will get more and learn a lot. If you open less, you will get less in your plastic... Some people tend to be rigid because they think that what they learned are totally right. We can stick to this attitutde but, it would reduce our capacity to get accomodate more and more knowledge in our hippocampus. I would try to be more flexible and open about the sharing and accepting new knowledges.

I slept very early today, at 620 p.m. and woke up and fell suddenly because of temporary parapaaresis. Maybe because of my sleep posture was not appropriate. Btw, I miss my nephew a lot because I dreamt of him calling me Om.. He suddednly can speak ! ... Yeay.... Everytime I sleep today, I would dream about patients and beings asked by people about something. In my dream sometimes I could answer all those questions and hope I can find the answer when I wake up later...

PS: Try to improve and be better and better each day because it would make us feel great.

Saturday, April 16, 2011


"Now I dedicate my life to the lifelong learning process for my patients as part of my life"

7 days in a week in the hospital working and learning as a young doctor is not an easy job for me. I am not sure about the other people, but I seriously fell somehow I need more time to study about all those diseases in details. The settings is absolutely different because I need to face the patients and their family alone during morning follow up. This really need a very good skill of communication as well as examination skills. I easily fell that I am stupid person when I am having clinical tutorial and case reflection as well as bedsite teaching because what I've got in 3.5 years in theoretical years are not sufficient. So, everytime I could answer my lecturer question I would fell guilty and dumb. It is not about being embarassed for not be able to answer the question in front of resident, friends or patients but simply about responsiblity. I want to be a good doctor not to the best doctor by competing myself with my friends because now what is the important things are not for showing off you are better than others but can you do something correctly and would it help your patients? My life is totally changed. Sometimes I just had lunch and dinner at one time. Meaning that I didn't eat dinner because of too tired. I don't blame myself or the system because I believe this is part of my life and no matter what I am learning to love it and dedicate my life to this. My sleeping time is not really organized because sometimes I just feel that I need to read more and more, so at least my knowledges are getting better. One of my patient died due to stroke this week, I felt pity but I know that is unavoidable. Working in clinical setting is different from theory. We could not expect everything is going to be perfect but we can make sure that we can give the best. I want to say thank you to some resident who are willing to teach me especially dr. Ayu. I learnt a lot from her and hopefully I can be a good doctor. Sky is for sure my limit because I believe that sky is unreachable. Sky extends more than our Milky Way galaxy. If I could not reach the other galaxy, at least I could reach the farthest distanct in my galxay. All the best to all doctors out there and I hope that we can give the best our patient.

Sunday, April 10, 2011


Whether we are ready or not, sometimes we need to do it whatever it takes. When it comes to part of our life. 'The Life Cycle'. Honestly, I am not that ready for my new episode of my life. I am not the director but just the actor that do not have any script to be memorized or practized and I could not imagine what is going on in the future. There are a lot of people out there who might experience the same setting but the experiences should be totally different from one another. It is simply like our fingerprint, everybody does have it but no one have the same. This is what we call unique. I used to tell myself that whatever it is, the way we experience would be different, depend on how well we control the situation. Do not underestimate my ability! This sentence is directed to some people who might concern about me and always advice do not get involved in certain things. For them, some filed do not suit me and they said I am going to be another person (bad person). Friends, this is life. Life is not something stereotype. You can always choose. There are a lot of choices here and there. Create your path, don't just wait. Now, let me tell the other story of mine. It is about clinical rotation. The new setting, new environment and new people. What should I do? Do I need to ask so many people to comfort myself or to heal my anxiety? I might sound exaggerate but do not question about this because I believe everyone has their own perception and feeling towards something. Feelings of excitement, worry, less motivated are all perfectly mixed and occupied in my tiny brain. Hope everything is going well. I am just afraid of the future. Not to say that I want to be the best person, but afraid that I could not catch up with things that I am supposed to learn. God, please give me the strength to make it. Guide me and boost my energy, confidence and motivation.